When our daughters are attracted to married men…

I recently heard a young gal talking in a giggly, flirty tone about Chris Tomlin.

I’ve heard teen girls describe Toby Mac as being “hot”.

In case you didn’t know, Chris Tomlin and Toby Mac are both married men.

When I hear things like this, I’m reminded of a Jars of Clay concert I attended many years ago. Dan Haseltine was singing, “I want to fall in love with you.” If you’re familiar with that song, you know Dan is singing to Jesus. But, that night at the concert, I found myself surrounded by young girls covering their hearts with their hands, tilting their heads and singing “I want to fall in love with you” with stars in their eyes. These girls weren’t singing to Jesus. They were singing to Dan Haseltine, a married man.

Okay, I can’t judge what was in the hearts of all those girls. But, come on, you can tell what a girl is thinking when she sings, “I want to fall in love with you” and then she reaches her hands towards the stage while screaming, “Dan, I love you!”

Every time I see young girls swoon over a married man, I ask myself two questions:

  1. How does this make their wife feel?
  2. What are we teaching our daughters when we allow them to swoon over married men?

When your daughter starts going to concerts to see male recording artists, or when she starts swooning over them in passing conversations, it might be helpful to ask your daughter some questions – get her to think through what’s going on in her heart.

For instance, you might ask your daughter what she likes so much about this particular artist. Does your daughter like his voice, his lyrics, or his face? Do some research on the artist, if he’s a married man, talk to your daughter about this. Discuss the dangers and inappropriateness of having a crush on a married man.

Sometimes we need to see things for it to really sink in. If you find that your daughter is going to be one of those girls reaching for the stage, screaming “I love you!” do some research. Try and find a picture of the artist with his wife (and children if there are any). Show your daughter that he is a married man. Explain to your daughter how hurtful it could be for his wife to see other girls swooning over her husband. Encourage your daughter to pray for them as a married couple. Help your daughter to see this man as a man, not an object.

Yes, I said it…see him as a man, not an object. We women like to complain about how men look at us as objects. But, we do it too. We often look at men and only see the exterior, we allow our day dreaming to take over and never give a thought to the lovely woman the man calls his wife. And I say “we” because we adult married women can be guilty of this also, but that’s a different discussion for a different day.

This problem with young girls swooning over married men happens with secular recording artists and Hollywood actors as well. But, I want to stick to my point with Christian artists because I think the enemy uses our faith against us any way he can. What do I mean by that? Well, if you are a church-going family and you have a daughter, chances are your daughter wants to end up with a Godly, church-going man. Often times young ladies are attracted to men who are strong in their faith, who stand up and publicly represent Jesus. I’ve heard women say they find their pastors attractive…maybe not physically, but they are attracted to their powerful, Godly presence. I wonder if this is what happens with our daughters at Christian concerts. They see these men on stage singing about Jesus…what’s not to love about that, right? So, they fix their eyes on these men, day dream about them and scream that they love them, because these men represent what they want most for themselves, a strong, Godly man who is willing to stand up publicly and proclaim faith in Christ.

Can you see how the enemy can use that against them? The enemy can blind our daughters to the fact that many of these men they’re day dreaming about are married. Our daughters don’t even realize what they’re doing is lusting. Our daughters don’t realize that when they get dolled up to attend a concert and then perhaps meet the artist afterwards, giggling and flirting, they might be causing this wonderful Christian man to stumble. That doesn’t mean these married men want to have an affair with your daughter, but men are often fueled by their egos. What better way to inflate a man’s ego than to surround him with young, swooning girls? How better to make a married man with children feel young and attractive than to surround him with young girls screaming, “I love you!”? What better way to distract a man from his wife?

I admit, I don’t have a daughter, but I was one. In my teens, I had posters of my favorite artists and actors on my bedroom walls. Looking back, I realize many of them were married men! What did that do to me? Well, let’s just say that as a young lady, I had crushes on several married men in our church body. They were attractive, Godly men. I day dreamed about them and the fact that they were married never crossed my mind. I had been conditioned to swoon over handsome men…period; whether or not they were married. My eyes never made it to their ring finger.

If your daughter is walking out the door to see Toby Mac in concert, you should expect her to be excited. He’s extremely talented, his shows are exciting and you can expect the Lord to be glorified through his music. However, if your daughter is walking out the door to see Toby Mac in concert and you hear her tell her friend, “I can’t wait to see Toby Mac, he’s so hot…“ you have a problem. What you have is a daughter who is lusting after a married man; something that is both sinful and dangerous.

I’m reminded of Susan Sarandon, from the 90’s version of Little Women, saying, “I won’t have my girls being silly about boys.”

Should you let your girls be silly about boys? That’s up to you; we all parent our children differently. But, can we at least agree that we shouldn’t have our girls being silly about married men?

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